Grief Works

There is an epidemic of busyness in our world today, and Brigette [whose parent had died and was getting therapy with the author] displayed a full-on version of it. Her Smartphone, which was hermetically sealed to her hand, perfectly embodied the false idea that busyness is potency. She did her daily shop on it, bought tickets to America, scheduled appointments and spoke to people all over the world. Yet, by constantly checking it, she switched off her feelings and also the emerging messages of discomfort in her body, all of which was information that she needed to be listing to. It gave her a misleading sense of efficacy, as if she would be able to achieve anything is she could just keep up with everything the screen threw at her. Devoting all her attention to it meant that the part of her that was needed to weather powerlessness, impotence and uncertainty became atrophied. I suggested that she should do a relaxation exercise with a meditation app. She looked at me as if I were speaking Greek and said, ‘I don’t have time for it!’

Research has been carried out in the US and the UK that reveals positive change and psychological growth can be achieved after a traumatic event. This does not in any way reduce the severity of the trauma from the event, or imply that it was a good thing. For some people, surviving life-changing events can have unexpected consequences. These people found that they felt more resilient, as if they had grown, and had a greater sense of their robustness in the face of adversity – along the lines of ‘If I can survive that, I can survive anything.’ It also changed their perception of what mattered in life: for most, this meant placing less values on money and status, and more on relationships and the meaning of life. As a result, those people’s relationships tended to deepen and were more satisfying, and they gained a sense of being wiser and more compassionate. Having truly suffered so much, they found that their ability to empathise and sympathise increased, and some experienced spiritual or religious growth as well.

I have noticed such growth with some of my clients, and it is certainly very encouraging. It is further evidence of what never ceases to surprise me: that as human beings we are eminently adaptable, and that those who adapt most are ultimately the ones who thrive.

I strongly disagree with medics and therapists who insist that their patients need to be forced to face reality when they’re in denial. My belief is that it isn’t our job to march around in hobnail boots in someone else’s consciousness, breaking down their important defence mechanisms, as if we can be absolutely certain about what’s best for them. Such an approach would most probably have alienated her [Jean, a client of the author’s, facing her own death] and she wouldn’t have returned, or it would have heightened her defences to the point where no therapy would have been possible.